Today....

Accepting myself in today....a beloved & chosen sojourner; full of weakness and sin tendencies, weakened by trials and strengthened by faith.  More failures than successes, more fear than courage, more complaints than thanksgivings....and always, constantly, loved.  Accepted.  Brought near and whispered to. Washed and re-washed in the flow of His Grace that cleanses and opens up my pores to receive all of His love for me.  Without this washing, without these struggles, there would be no glorious Grace for me!  Just a pressing need to never fail, never be weak or struggle.  So I accept myself in this day and give thanks to My Father for His amazing gift of grace over me.  I bask in the realness of His presence again and again...with each struggle, worry and fear. Here I am .  And it is good.

The washing away of an ungrateful heart.....

It's been 126 days of a never-ending beginning........a washing away of an ungrateful heart.  126 days of seeing with clean eyes.......eyes that were caked with a fearful substance that kept me from ever really seeing God and knowing my Love, My Father.  And I had no idea.  
And this writing is just the beginning.
Several friends had recommended the book 1000 Gifts  by Ann Voskamp to me a while back but I had forgotten.  While we were in the US this summer I knew that God was taking me to a new place with Him.  I am so grateful for the friends that journeyed with me, cried with me and for me and covered my heart in prayer.  I thought that THAT was the work.....that I was restored and refreshed, ready to head back into the difficult work of our new calling.  I began reading 1000 Gifts on the plane ride "home"; the plane ride away from my first-born daughter and her new life in college to the rest of my life in Chiang Mai.  It was an "ugly-beautiful" pain as Ann would say.  I felt His nearness to her and to me and I was blessed.  I felt confident in what He had done to provide for all of us in this transition.  I was on a mountaintop......He was preparing me for a valley.
At first, counting graces in my everyday life felt effortless.  I love to journal and I didn't find it difficult to keep my list going.  But as life does, things around me started to change.  Struggles amplified and I couldn't fix things I thought I knew how to fix.  So I prayed more and tried harder.  Kept on making my list.  Not much changed.  My efforts were not improving things.  I dug deeper into myself and claimed Scriptures and found Him to be very near.  I kept counting gifts....and my heart was hurting.  Wasn't He going to come down and pick me up or take away the difficulty? Surely there was going to be some unbelievable, miraculous ending to the struggle that would vindicate my pain.  Why wasn't I overcoming? Why couldn't I just figure this out?  The harder I tried, the less control I had.  And my strength waned until it barely flickered.  I was a wreck.  I was embarrassed about the conversations I was having with God.  So immature in my mind.  I was a mature believer, wasn't I?
The act of giving thanks moment by moment led my heart to see myself.  My frustration wasn't in a lack of being able to say "thank you" for lots of good gifts in my life but that I was ungrateful in the core of my being. I lived ungrateful.  And not for all the goodies I already had....but rather, not grateful for HIM.  I mean not grateful for the Gospel.  For my salvation.  For being LOVED by Him, through Jesus, for His Glory.  For being Accepted, Forgiven, Redeemed, and Treasured--all by "the Lord, the Lord God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in LOVINGKINDNESS, who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression, and sin, and yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished; visiting the sins of the fathers onto their children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:6-7 
God is LOVE.  
I was ungrateful for His great love! And at the core of every other sinful pain in my life is the rejection of the Gospel.  Rejection.  A conscious decision NOT to believe.  I know what scriptures say, but really, how could God love me? Isn't this Satan's same old lie? The lie that God isn't really who He says He is?  He is Lord, Creator, Redeemer....maybe He feels sorry for me so He saves me.  What a blasphemous thought?   When did I start living like someone unworthy of His love.  Like someone defeated and afraid of everyone else who seems to feel so loved.  When did that fear teach me to be good;  perfect even, even perfectly humble?  As a way to earn love.  Because I crave lovingkindness.  I need to feel redeemed from all my sin.  I just don't believe God does that.  That is so personal.  So intimate. 
 So in this way He shows me my adulterous heart and I die a little bit more and wonder if there is hope at all at this point.  It isn't a quick moment.  He is slow at amputating this UNBELIEF and leaving me "laid bare".  And I am bleeding.  He is so very near but I am still bleeding.  For days I pray and ask questions and He keeps answering but it takes me so long to really HEAR Him.  "You must believe me, Kristi. I will not let you keep living as if You are not loved.  It is for My NAME and My GLORY that I love and you will not rob me of any of that Glory".  

And that is where I am today.....

Not finished. Not fixed. Not healed.....yet.  But RESOLVED TO BELIEVE.  It is decided and I will fight this fight for belief until I don't live another day.  I choose to reject all the reasons why I could feel unloved--my past, my lack of self-confidence, my need for words of affirmation.  All of mankind's ways of dealing with our inadequacies and struggles in a way that is all about me.  But it is about HIM and His great love!  And  I choose to believe Him.  I choose to believe the Gospel.  His Story for His Glory.  

And I pray you will too.  In whatever circumstance you find yourself today--whatever struggle besieges your heart, I challenge you to ask Him to show you if you have any unbelief about who He is and what He says about Himself and about us, His greatest creation.  He chose us, adopted us.  He paid for that adoption with His own Son. What else do I need to know in order to believe He loves me? It's a choice.

126 days of counting to 1000.
1000 graces counted and the best saved for last......
1000.  Being LOVED!


A few pictures of things on my list.....

The day Carmen and I found the guy to make our signs...a real gift!!!

Bpin's flourishing heart!!!

God peeking at me through trees

Hannah's text picture of this tree on fire on campus at the U of A!

First thing hung in our new home....a reminder to give thanks!!

And so many more!!! The counting to 1000 was a beautiful gift.  And the list continues...

These 3 amazing gifts....no words can say it

Goodbyes and Worship

Just a few hours ago I left Hatley, Bekah Su, and Caleb at the airport on their way back home to Thailand.  As we said goodbyes to one another and tears came I felt so sad.  Catching a glimpse of the tears in Hatley's eyes as he held Hannah Beth in his embrace for the last time before she launched out on this new season of college created a new pain in my heart I had never felt before.  I knew this day was coming but I couldn't "know" how it would feel.  She is really going away to school and we really are going to our home halfway around the world.  We will miss her so much.
We survived the last few hugs and tears and then gave way to the reality of a plane to catch and walked quietly to the car.  A few friends had joined us and that seemed to remove some of the stingy in my heart.  As I drove away, alone in the car, I felt the tears well up again in the corners of my eyes but decided not to even try to restrain them.  They fell.  And a surprising thing happened to me.  Something only a loving Father could know how to give--I began to worship.  One amazing memory after another came to my mind.  I smiled as I thought about my favorite picture from my wedding day, the incredible gift of Hannah Beth's unexpected creation so soon after our marriage, how many times God had answered prayers and filled our hearts with gifts we didn't even know to ask for.  I thanked Him for blessings hidden in heartaches and supernatural moments in His presence crying out for help, for a thousand laughters in our home, s'mores eaten over a fire, presents opened with such anticipation, and people who's hearts we had come to love.  I thanked Him for calling me to be a mom and showing me how He had planned that for me all along.  For the privilege to serve Him and to live a life of faith....day by day expecting Him to provide for all our needs.  To do a job that we love; knowing that He hand-picked us to do it.  Warmth covered me all over as I thought of how our extended families had loved on us, believed in us, supported us and prayed over us through all these years.  For friends that have celebrated the good times and stayed close during the hard times and have pointed us to Jesus at all times.  It was precious to me.  My Father's way of lifting my head to savor this sweet moment....seeing it through His eyes rather than my own.  He was celebrating with me the beauty of His Glory in our lives....not perfect by any definition....but lives offered up for His purposes and covered over by His grace.  He was loving on me like a Dad loves on His daughter.  He knew the potential in me to focus on the sadness and wonder why it had to be that were living overseas at this season of our lives--when our kids were just beginning to leave us?  Knowing I could begin "leaning on my own understanding" and lose focus on Him.  This story is all about Him--not me.  And so in that moment He gave me the gift of worship through thankfulness rather than worry through fear. And even now my heart is full of thankfulness.  My life has been so rich and deep in His great mercy and grace and love that I lack nothing.  Oh, I am quick to complain just like anyone; but tonight I will refuse my flesh this sin that so easily entangles me.  And I will worship.  "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!"  

Father, thank you for today and the hope it holds in it for me.  Thank you for the love of yesterday in the faces and hugs of old friends, the words of encouragement and the laughter in the memories recalled together.  Thank you for the beautiful tapestry displayed in the lives of your children each following you and trusting you right in moment they find themselves--for the fragrant aroma of worship I sense as I hear their testimony of your goodness and faithfulness in their lives.  And I join in the worship song.  I want to add to this collection of praise my own small harmony.  Let it add the part you intend! I believe therefore I speak the truth of your unfailing love--so mysterious in it's origin and depth! Who can know it?  You are so very close and real....a relentless pursuer.  You are smiling.  And I am amazed.  Help my unbelief!  I will reject the lies the enemy puts in my path because the testimony of YOU stands the same.  Many have walked with you and not found you lacking....neither will I.  Many have tried to go it on their own path, their own strength, their own understanding and found that way to be LACKING, even unto death.  Let the testimony of your lovingkindness rise up and flow out of me and out of the lives of my favorite friends and family so that it plays the beautiful song of praise to you.  And let us then be glad and be full of JOY that reflects it again and again.  Day after day, night after night.  Regardless of circumstances, difficulties,  disappointments, or desperate prayers.  The earth is full of the revealed LOVE of God, my Father and yours.  Help my unbelief.  Strengthen my faith by your grace.  Let me be filled with your love today. 

Your great love sets me free

My Father God is so loving.  He is slowly, patiently, and gently leading me to turn and look deep into His face without shame and without fear.  He wants me to see the love He has for me in His eyes.  It makes me uncomfortable even to write that thought down--actually doing it scares me to death!  And therein lies the problem of my heart--not receiving His great love for me and letting that truth set me free to live today in the joy He intended it to release in me.  He longs to love me!!
This morning as I met with Him He brought me to this truth again.  I sat and pondered how His love is so different from the love we create from our broken hearts and limited minds.  I asked Him to reveal more and more--as much as I can handle.  About the hugeness of His love and His work to redeem all of us to Himself.  I want to be set free from the "law of sin and death", Romans 8:2, to live a life that reflects His glory and fills me with indescribable joy.  Joy that can't be contained and that is inspiring to the others He longs to reach with His great love story of redemption.  I believe that it is the joy in my life that will draw others to Him...not my ability to accomplish the christian life.
So, I pray Father that you would set my eyes on this great love you offer to me.  Protect me from focusing on doing and not enjoying You.  Make Your love the focus of this day and let me see it in everything I do, in everyone I meet and in this place you have put me to live.  Guard my mind from the evil one who comes against your great love with thoughts of fear and failure. Help me to recognize his schemes and lies so that I can overcome every aim against Your love in my life.  You are the winner...he has no power or authority over me.  I am filled with anticipation and hope for You.  Your great love has set me free today.
Amen

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A spiritual lesson in HIS creation

The last few weeks have been some of the most difficult for me in a while.  Maybe it is because I thought once we reached the "1 year mark" in our new city I could take a break, relax, coast a bit.  Maybe I just let myself get too tired and didn't take time to rest or make sure that I was spending enough time just sitting with my Father and listening instead of talking....I am prone to do that.
We have overcome a lot in our short time here and seen our Father's loving hand on us constantly.  He has faithfully been leading us to keep following Him, not looking to the right or the left--eyes straight ahead and on Him.  I think I must have gazed off to the side,  looking around to see what else was going on and who was around me. 

And the enemy was right there waiting for this moment to jump in and take advantage of my weakness and my lack of focus.  I headed down that endless path of comparing myself to others. You know, where you can see that this person is blessed with something you thought you wanted or that person seems to be ahead of you or you wonder why your Father made you like you are rather than like that "someone else".   That path doesn't have an end.  There is no final beautiful destination with a plaque listing all the facts about how wonderful you are that satisfies your thirst to know that you are at least as good as you hope you are and definitely better than "those" people.  It is a ceaseless road to no where. And the longer you travel down that way the harder it is to know your way back.  I have felt very alone these past few weeks and yet I am amazed how long it took me to repent, turn around, and run as fast as I could back to the place where my Father was waiting for me the whole time.  Psalm 37: 24 spoke so tenderly to me as I looked back up into my Father's eyes and grabbed His hand, "though he (that would be me) stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand."  Oh how He loves me so!  Why am I so easily tempted to stray from His grasp and look to anything else to bring joy to my soul?  There is no other thing I long for as much I as long for nearness to Him.  But just as Paul says in Romans 7:21 "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work in my members."  I have definitely felt like a prisoner to the thoughts in my mind and it has been frightening to me.  I contemplated just giving up the fight all together.  But He loves.  And He shows that He loves in a million ways.  A friend saw my struggle and spoke Truth directly to my heart.  My husband patiently and quietly waited while I fought even sharing my struggle with him and then he held me.  Another friend loved on my daughter and several prayer requests were answered in a day or two. And then I walked out on my porch to savor the beauty of the flowers growing there and I discovered the picture I put at the beginning of this blog.  Two beautiful glorious displays of HIS glory growing on the same vine.  Same source of nutrition of sunlight and water with dramatically different blooms.  HE can do anything and He delights in his creation!  He has made us all for Himself and we are not alike.  He has endless creativity and He loves to reveal himself in this way!  I was caught up in a moment of repentance and worship as I thought about what He was showing me through these flowers!   My Father was luring me back.  Reminding me that HE fights the battle and I am to rest in His shadow and let Him carry the burden on my heart.  There will be more times like these ahead, I know that. But He is teaching me to trust Him in new ways every day.  Because He loves.