Being a Mom

      I love being a mom.  It is an indescribable paradox that only a perfectly passionate, loving God could design.  A journey of deepest joys and deepest pains woven together to create a beautiful work of art in our hearts--if we let it.  But I have to admit, it took the Lord a few years to soften my heart and lift my eyes to see this calling as an immeasurably valuable way to spend my life for Him.  As a young woman, 23, I had so many plans and goals for serving Him as a disciple-maker of young women as a and student of His Word and I never spent much time thinking about becoming a mom.  But thanks be to God for giving me the gift and the favor to be the mom He chose for Hannah Beth, Rebekah Su, and Caleb.  They have been the source of the deepest works in my heart--the good , bad and ugly.  
     Recently these two girls (pictured above), Tu Tu & Pah Wah,  came to stay with us for a long weekend.  They are from a Karen refugee school about 5 hours south of where we live in Thailand.  Their sponsors told us they had never been inside an American home and weren't used to using western toilets or showers.  The goal was to share the love of Christ to them by the simple act of opening our home and our hearts.  They were such a joy to our family for the 4 days they lived with us.  Since they are about the same age as Hannah Beth, she had the pleasure of showing them around our city!  They laughed together, ate together, shared stories--just like normal teenage girls do.  But these girls live no "normal" teenage life.  They are refugees from Burma and have been blessed to escape across the border into Thailand.  They live in a school set up for kids with similar stories to their own--kids who have lost their families and their freedom to the horrors of war in their country.  We had no idea how much our hearts would connect with them even with the language barrier between us.  
      Many of you may know that several years ago Hatley and I walked by faith into the adoption process while we lived in India.  That journey ended in a heart-wrenching loss.  I thought then that it would never heal and that I would never be able to trust the Lord again.  It left a deep scar in my heart...but not a scar without purpose.  In His usual loving way, God has gently walked me through these years since that day--holding me when I really hurt and lifting my eyes to see the treasures He has for me deep inside the wounds I still bear.   I am so thankful for the ways He is still speaking to me and alluring me to find my deepest Joy in Him alone.  
      Through these two girls my "mother" heart was gently pierced again.  Tu Tu and Pah Wah arrived really late on Thursday night.  Hannah Beth and Hatley picked them up from the bus at the school because I still can't seem to be a night-owl!!!  That morning I got up early to make them some breakfast that I hoped they would not find revolting and I was excited to get to meet them.  We enjoyed breakfast and I was surprised at how outgoing and comfortable they seemed.  What I wasn't prepared for was the question Pah Wah threw out at me as she got out of the car to go to school...."Can I call you my Mom?  I turned around to look at her,  thinking she was just being "cute"--only to see her looking back at me with a serious, hopeful-looking smile on her face.  I could hardly hold back my tears.  That question sent emotions all through my heart and mind.  I wasn't even sure what her family situation was--did she really not have a mom?  I wanted to pull her back inside my car, ask her a thousand questions and tell her of course she could stay and be my daughter!!! It was an emotional moment that opened the barely-covered wounds of not too long ago.  A time when I wanted more than anything to hold onto the dream of making Elijah part of our family--forever, and the dream of experiencing the miracle of our adoption as God's children in a real and tangible way in the life a real child. 
     I really took a step back and looked at my kids after that.  What a miracle to be a Mom!  For God to entrust HIS children to me....to have this crazy perfect plan to sanctify me as I fail in the high call of mothering and to raise up more worshippers of Himself through the parenting of young children!  And then I wept.  Why do some children walk through early years without a Mom?  But I quieted my heart by the grace of the Holy Spirit and I just listened instead of talked.  He is Sovereign and He knows.  He loves these girls, my Elijah, and the tens of thousands of others of orphans more deeply and perfectly than I am equipped to understand.  And I worshipped.  And years of hurt, confusion and struggle began to be a "sweet-smelling aroma" unto Him.  I was still and quiet before Him and I KNEW He was God.  
     I spent the next few days more aware of my blessings in Hannah Beth, Bekah and Caleb and in my new "daughters", Tu Tu and Pah Wah.  Later that weekend Pah Wah told me her real mother was dead and that I really could be her mom.  I went back to my Father and repeated the same steps I did the day before....reminding myself again of what I knew to be true.  It still blows my mind and wrecks my heart to think about it...but it also allures me to go and be near the One who knows each hair on their head and every tear they cry and every need they will ever have.  I really do trust Him...being a Mom has taught me that.