Being a Mom

      I love being a mom.  It is an indescribable paradox that only a perfectly passionate, loving God could design.  A journey of deepest joys and deepest pains woven together to create a beautiful work of art in our hearts--if we let it.  But I have to admit, it took the Lord a few years to soften my heart and lift my eyes to see this calling as an immeasurably valuable way to spend my life for Him.  As a young woman, 23, I had so many plans and goals for serving Him as a disciple-maker of young women as a and student of His Word and I never spent much time thinking about becoming a mom.  But thanks be to God for giving me the gift and the favor to be the mom He chose for Hannah Beth, Rebekah Su, and Caleb.  They have been the source of the deepest works in my heart--the good , bad and ugly.  
     Recently these two girls (pictured above), Tu Tu & Pah Wah,  came to stay with us for a long weekend.  They are from a Karen refugee school about 5 hours south of where we live in Thailand.  Their sponsors told us they had never been inside an American home and weren't used to using western toilets or showers.  The goal was to share the love of Christ to them by the simple act of opening our home and our hearts.  They were such a joy to our family for the 4 days they lived with us.  Since they are about the same age as Hannah Beth, she had the pleasure of showing them around our city!  They laughed together, ate together, shared stories--just like normal teenage girls do.  But these girls live no "normal" teenage life.  They are refugees from Burma and have been blessed to escape across the border into Thailand.  They live in a school set up for kids with similar stories to their own--kids who have lost their families and their freedom to the horrors of war in their country.  We had no idea how much our hearts would connect with them even with the language barrier between us.  
      Many of you may know that several years ago Hatley and I walked by faith into the adoption process while we lived in India.  That journey ended in a heart-wrenching loss.  I thought then that it would never heal and that I would never be able to trust the Lord again.  It left a deep scar in my heart...but not a scar without purpose.  In His usual loving way, God has gently walked me through these years since that day--holding me when I really hurt and lifting my eyes to see the treasures He has for me deep inside the wounds I still bear.   I am so thankful for the ways He is still speaking to me and alluring me to find my deepest Joy in Him alone.  
      Through these two girls my "mother" heart was gently pierced again.  Tu Tu and Pah Wah arrived really late on Thursday night.  Hannah Beth and Hatley picked them up from the bus at the school because I still can't seem to be a night-owl!!!  That morning I got up early to make them some breakfast that I hoped they would not find revolting and I was excited to get to meet them.  We enjoyed breakfast and I was surprised at how outgoing and comfortable they seemed.  What I wasn't prepared for was the question Pah Wah threw out at me as she got out of the car to go to school...."Can I call you my Mom?  I turned around to look at her,  thinking she was just being "cute"--only to see her looking back at me with a serious, hopeful-looking smile on her face.  I could hardly hold back my tears.  That question sent emotions all through my heart and mind.  I wasn't even sure what her family situation was--did she really not have a mom?  I wanted to pull her back inside my car, ask her a thousand questions and tell her of course she could stay and be my daughter!!! It was an emotional moment that opened the barely-covered wounds of not too long ago.  A time when I wanted more than anything to hold onto the dream of making Elijah part of our family--forever, and the dream of experiencing the miracle of our adoption as God's children in a real and tangible way in the life a real child. 
     I really took a step back and looked at my kids after that.  What a miracle to be a Mom!  For God to entrust HIS children to me....to have this crazy perfect plan to sanctify me as I fail in the high call of mothering and to raise up more worshippers of Himself through the parenting of young children!  And then I wept.  Why do some children walk through early years without a Mom?  But I quieted my heart by the grace of the Holy Spirit and I just listened instead of talked.  He is Sovereign and He knows.  He loves these girls, my Elijah, and the tens of thousands of others of orphans more deeply and perfectly than I am equipped to understand.  And I worshipped.  And years of hurt, confusion and struggle began to be a "sweet-smelling aroma" unto Him.  I was still and quiet before Him and I KNEW He was God.  
     I spent the next few days more aware of my blessings in Hannah Beth, Bekah and Caleb and in my new "daughters", Tu Tu and Pah Wah.  Later that weekend Pah Wah told me her real mother was dead and that I really could be her mom.  I went back to my Father and repeated the same steps I did the day before....reminding myself again of what I knew to be true.  It still blows my mind and wrecks my heart to think about it...but it also allures me to go and be near the One who knows each hair on their head and every tear they cry and every need they will ever have.  I really do trust Him...being a Mom has taught me that.  
   

My prayer today....

Today I prayed through various Psalms....it was a beautiful worshipful time with my Dad....

Father,

     It is 2 days until Christmas--my heart is overflowing! Time is flying by and yet you are still the unchangeable perfectness you were in the beginning of everything.  Today I PRAISE you for you glorious rule and reign over the whole earth and over time and space, over my heart and my plans for this day! "The earth is LORD's and everything in it, the world and all who live in it." Psalm 24:1

    I CONFESS all my sin, the iniquity of my heart.  All the ways that I exalt myself and act against Your ways.  Cleanse me and I will be clean. "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me." Psalm 51:2-3

     I rejoice and give thanks to You for Your unfailing lovingkindness!  Your ways are great and I delight in you with all my heart!  Thank you for all your gifts of goodness and your nearness which sustains me! "Shout for joy to the Lord all the earth, Worship the Lord with gladness! Come into His presence with THANKSGIVING  and into His courts with praise!" "Bless the LORD oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name! Bless the LORD oh my soul and forget none of His benefits....who pardons all my iniquities, who heals all my diseases, who redeems my life from the pit, who crowns me with lovingkindness and compassion, and who satisfies my years with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagles." Psalm 100, Psalm 103

     I pray that you will sustain me with a willing spirit! My heart is prone to wander and my heart and my flesh to fail. Let Your nearness be my good! Establish your KINGDOM in my heart and my family's heart. Let them trust in you with all their hearts and lean not in their own ways! Let their lives shine before men--that you are exalted!  No matter what we feel or how wronged we may be by others or how difficult the day becomes may we be filled with JOY because of Your presence in us and all around us! Open our eyes that we may behold wonderful things in your law.  

    My heart is overwhelmed with Your reality Father....keep my eyes on You like I am in this moment all day today, wherever You lead me!  For your glory and my joy I ask these things in the name of Jesus, Amen.

     

"All things work together for good...."

     "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28 tells us.  I have used this verse zillions of times when I struggle with my own circumstances--it is a source of comfort and assurance that I will survive whatever difficulty or disappointment I am enduring at the moment.  God is showing me what this verse means to Him.....I think He has a little different perspective on it.
     Our team has been studying the book of Deuteronomy the past few months and it has enlarged my view of God's sovereignty and it has frightened me at times.  It is frightening to really consider the nature of God in His reality rather than from the reality I want it to be.  We have talked about difficult situations in the story of the Israelites and God's purpose to make Himself know to all the Nations through them.  Some of these stories seem so harsh toward the people on planet earth.  But as I allowed my heart to ask hard questions and to ponder the goodness of God alongside the justice of God and His holiness, I began to see MORE than I had before.
     God is really big, really good, and so full of mercy.  BUT He doesn't share His glory with anyone or anything and He UNASHAMEDLY removes from the planet people and nations who continually defy His lordship.  And this is where Romans 8:28 comes onto the scene for me.  Somehow I began to meditate on this verse in light of the new things I was seeing about God from Deuteronomy.  "All things work together for good....." and I am seeing that this is the same good that God is working out in the Old Testament.  The good that all peoples will know Him and choose to worship Him above anything else because He knows He is the BEST that we can have and ALL  that we need!  So with the difficulties of the people of Israel and all the other nations we read about that just get wiped away or that suffer hardship--we see God working it all for GOOD...for His exaltation among the Nations.
     Likewise, in my life, all things are working for good, but not for my good, but His GOOD.  Which means His exaltation on this planet.  This means that as I pray Romans 8:28 for myself and for those I love, I must remember what God's GOOD really is.  It isn't my happiness or my comfort or my safety.  This means some things are not going to work out the way I want them to and some things are going to feel very bad.  We see this over and over in scripture.  We see it in the Christmas story....Joseph had to have felt that Mary giving birth to the Son of God in a dirty, nasty stable wasn't very good.  I am sure he felt like he wasn't providing for his new wife very well and I am sure He wondered if his vision of the Angel was really just a dream.  But it was for God's GOOD....the exaltation of His great love for all of His people.  So Mary giving birth in a dirty place was GOOD.
    For me, living far from home and thinking of living so far from Hannah Beth next year doesn't seem very good.  It makes me question whether we should have chosen a better time to make this transition?  Surely there is a better way to serve the Lord and still be more "comfortable" with our final years parenting our kids?  But I believe it is for His GOOD that I am here....His exaltation among the Nations.
     Tonight I met with my Thai language teacher; who is a follower of Christ.  We met for just a few moments to talk about a group of Thai children she is teaching about Jesus Christ.  And in the middle of a busy street under a beautiful star-filled sky she recognized that I was a little discouraged and God used her to speak to my heart.  She quoted Romans 8:28 to me.  She had no idea that this verse had been rattling around in my head for a few weeks and that I was wondering how this struggle to live in a new place and to be so far from my daughter was all working out for "my" good....but God spoke through her to remind me that I am here, in this place, for HIS GOOD.  His EXALTATION in the country of Thailand among a people He created for Himself to know Him.   And that it might not feel good and He might not change that.  I drove away feeling overwhelmed with His goodness for me and for all of His people.  I am so thankful that He makes Himself known to me so faithfully and patiently....I have so much yet to learn.

I'm starting a blog.....

I never thought I would do this--start a blog I mean.  It still seems like a lot of rambling to me and I feel unsure if it is worth all the effort. I still struggle just to answer emails so how will I find time to keep this up?  But my heart is overflowing so much of the time with the reality of His presence and the intensity of His glory that I want to shout it from my heart! Is that what a blog is for?  Sounds messy to me.  But, for His Glory and my Enjoyment of it....here I go!