Goodbyes and Worship

Just a few hours ago I left Hatley, Bekah Su, and Caleb at the airport on their way back home to Thailand.  As we said goodbyes to one another and tears came I felt so sad.  Catching a glimpse of the tears in Hatley's eyes as he held Hannah Beth in his embrace for the last time before she launched out on this new season of college created a new pain in my heart I had never felt before.  I knew this day was coming but I couldn't "know" how it would feel.  She is really going away to school and we really are going to our home halfway around the world.  We will miss her so much.
We survived the last few hugs and tears and then gave way to the reality of a plane to catch and walked quietly to the car.  A few friends had joined us and that seemed to remove some of the stingy in my heart.  As I drove away, alone in the car, I felt the tears well up again in the corners of my eyes but decided not to even try to restrain them.  They fell.  And a surprising thing happened to me.  Something only a loving Father could know how to give--I began to worship.  One amazing memory after another came to my mind.  I smiled as I thought about my favorite picture from my wedding day, the incredible gift of Hannah Beth's unexpected creation so soon after our marriage, how many times God had answered prayers and filled our hearts with gifts we didn't even know to ask for.  I thanked Him for blessings hidden in heartaches and supernatural moments in His presence crying out for help, for a thousand laughters in our home, s'mores eaten over a fire, presents opened with such anticipation, and people who's hearts we had come to love.  I thanked Him for calling me to be a mom and showing me how He had planned that for me all along.  For the privilege to serve Him and to live a life of faith....day by day expecting Him to provide for all our needs.  To do a job that we love; knowing that He hand-picked us to do it.  Warmth covered me all over as I thought of how our extended families had loved on us, believed in us, supported us and prayed over us through all these years.  For friends that have celebrated the good times and stayed close during the hard times and have pointed us to Jesus at all times.  It was precious to me.  My Father's way of lifting my head to savor this sweet moment....seeing it through His eyes rather than my own.  He was celebrating with me the beauty of His Glory in our lives....not perfect by any definition....but lives offered up for His purposes and covered over by His grace.  He was loving on me like a Dad loves on His daughter.  He knew the potential in me to focus on the sadness and wonder why it had to be that were living overseas at this season of our lives--when our kids were just beginning to leave us?  Knowing I could begin "leaning on my own understanding" and lose focus on Him.  This story is all about Him--not me.  And so in that moment He gave me the gift of worship through thankfulness rather than worry through fear. And even now my heart is full of thankfulness.  My life has been so rich and deep in His great mercy and grace and love that I lack nothing.  Oh, I am quick to complain just like anyone; but tonight I will refuse my flesh this sin that so easily entangles me.  And I will worship.  "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!"  

Father, thank you for today and the hope it holds in it for me.  Thank you for the love of yesterday in the faces and hugs of old friends, the words of encouragement and the laughter in the memories recalled together.  Thank you for the beautiful tapestry displayed in the lives of your children each following you and trusting you right in moment they find themselves--for the fragrant aroma of worship I sense as I hear their testimony of your goodness and faithfulness in their lives.  And I join in the worship song.  I want to add to this collection of praise my own small harmony.  Let it add the part you intend! I believe therefore I speak the truth of your unfailing love--so mysterious in it's origin and depth! Who can know it?  You are so very close and real....a relentless pursuer.  You are smiling.  And I am amazed.  Help my unbelief!  I will reject the lies the enemy puts in my path because the testimony of YOU stands the same.  Many have walked with you and not found you lacking....neither will I.  Many have tried to go it on their own path, their own strength, their own understanding and found that way to be LACKING, even unto death.  Let the testimony of your lovingkindness rise up and flow out of me and out of the lives of my favorite friends and family so that it plays the beautiful song of praise to you.  And let us then be glad and be full of JOY that reflects it again and again.  Day after day, night after night.  Regardless of circumstances, difficulties,  disappointments, or desperate prayers.  The earth is full of the revealed LOVE of God, my Father and yours.  Help my unbelief.  Strengthen my faith by your grace.  Let me be filled with your love today. 

Your great love sets me free

My Father God is so loving.  He is slowly, patiently, and gently leading me to turn and look deep into His face without shame and without fear.  He wants me to see the love He has for me in His eyes.  It makes me uncomfortable even to write that thought down--actually doing it scares me to death!  And therein lies the problem of my heart--not receiving His great love for me and letting that truth set me free to live today in the joy He intended it to release in me.  He longs to love me!!
This morning as I met with Him He brought me to this truth again.  I sat and pondered how His love is so different from the love we create from our broken hearts and limited minds.  I asked Him to reveal more and more--as much as I can handle.  About the hugeness of His love and His work to redeem all of us to Himself.  I want to be set free from the "law of sin and death", Romans 8:2, to live a life that reflects His glory and fills me with indescribable joy.  Joy that can't be contained and that is inspiring to the others He longs to reach with His great love story of redemption.  I believe that it is the joy in my life that will draw others to Him...not my ability to accomplish the christian life.
So, I pray Father that you would set my eyes on this great love you offer to me.  Protect me from focusing on doing and not enjoying You.  Make Your love the focus of this day and let me see it in everything I do, in everyone I meet and in this place you have put me to live.  Guard my mind from the evil one who comes against your great love with thoughts of fear and failure. Help me to recognize his schemes and lies so that I can overcome every aim against Your love in my life.  You are the winner...he has no power or authority over me.  I am filled with anticipation and hope for You.  Your great love has set me free today.
Amen

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A spiritual lesson in HIS creation

The last few weeks have been some of the most difficult for me in a while.  Maybe it is because I thought once we reached the "1 year mark" in our new city I could take a break, relax, coast a bit.  Maybe I just let myself get too tired and didn't take time to rest or make sure that I was spending enough time just sitting with my Father and listening instead of talking....I am prone to do that.
We have overcome a lot in our short time here and seen our Father's loving hand on us constantly.  He has faithfully been leading us to keep following Him, not looking to the right or the left--eyes straight ahead and on Him.  I think I must have gazed off to the side,  looking around to see what else was going on and who was around me. 

And the enemy was right there waiting for this moment to jump in and take advantage of my weakness and my lack of focus.  I headed down that endless path of comparing myself to others. You know, where you can see that this person is blessed with something you thought you wanted or that person seems to be ahead of you or you wonder why your Father made you like you are rather than like that "someone else".   That path doesn't have an end.  There is no final beautiful destination with a plaque listing all the facts about how wonderful you are that satisfies your thirst to know that you are at least as good as you hope you are and definitely better than "those" people.  It is a ceaseless road to no where. And the longer you travel down that way the harder it is to know your way back.  I have felt very alone these past few weeks and yet I am amazed how long it took me to repent, turn around, and run as fast as I could back to the place where my Father was waiting for me the whole time.  Psalm 37: 24 spoke so tenderly to me as I looked back up into my Father's eyes and grabbed His hand, "though he (that would be me) stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand."  Oh how He loves me so!  Why am I so easily tempted to stray from His grasp and look to anything else to bring joy to my soul?  There is no other thing I long for as much I as long for nearness to Him.  But just as Paul says in Romans 7:21 "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work in my members."  I have definitely felt like a prisoner to the thoughts in my mind and it has been frightening to me.  I contemplated just giving up the fight all together.  But He loves.  And He shows that He loves in a million ways.  A friend saw my struggle and spoke Truth directly to my heart.  My husband patiently and quietly waited while I fought even sharing my struggle with him and then he held me.  Another friend loved on my daughter and several prayer requests were answered in a day or two. And then I walked out on my porch to savor the beauty of the flowers growing there and I discovered the picture I put at the beginning of this blog.  Two beautiful glorious displays of HIS glory growing on the same vine.  Same source of nutrition of sunlight and water with dramatically different blooms.  HE can do anything and He delights in his creation!  He has made us all for Himself and we are not alike.  He has endless creativity and He loves to reveal himself in this way!  I was caught up in a moment of repentance and worship as I thought about what He was showing me through these flowers!   My Father was luring me back.  Reminding me that HE fights the battle and I am to rest in His shadow and let Him carry the burden on my heart.  There will be more times like these ahead, I know that. But He is teaching me to trust Him in new ways every day.  Because He loves.   

I am not a night owl......

I am not a night owl.  But tonight I can't seem to grab ahold of the perfect peace Jesus offers me so that I can rest because my mind is on something other than Him.  I am so aware tonight that my baby girl Hannah Beth is really all grown up and about to leave our home.  So I am awake.....crying.  I don't expect to receive pity.  Jesus is right here with me and I know He offers me perfect peace that will soothe my heart and give rest to my mind and body.  I KNOW all of this from years of blessed exposure to His truth and Jesus-loving people who have invested in my life.....but I just need to let Him hold me and make His presence more than a "knowing"--a realness that is glorifying to Him and joyful for me.  This isn't easy for me. It is way outside of my comfort zone.  I love to operate in the realm of knowledge and truth and generally I feel comfortable with Jesus in this way.  But when I must let Him become more than knowledge, I struggle.  
Father, be real to me tonight.  All that I read about your glory, let it become more than knowledge, but truly a deep satisfying drink of You that nothing else compares to in my life.  You created me for more than cognitive worship....but JOYFUL personal pleasure in the real reality of your love and presence in my heart.  Right here-- where I feel such fear and pain and loss of control--help me let you be more than the God of the creation and Sovereign Lord--be my Dad.  Who sees and feels and knows more deeply every emotion that I could ever experience.  You looked into the eyes of the woman at the well not as the God of judgement to be feared but as the Lover of her soul she only hoped really existed.  Let the depth of my hurt create deep places for you to reside in me.  So that when I look at my daughter I am not controlled by my fear and loss but by the peace of your presence in me.  She will be so blessed by that. I will be so satisfied in that.  Others might have burdens lifted in my responding like that. 
"Make me know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.  Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for YOU I wait all day long." Psalm 25:4

Being a Mom

      I love being a mom.  It is an indescribable paradox that only a perfectly passionate, loving God could design.  A journey of deepest joys and deepest pains woven together to create a beautiful work of art in our hearts--if we let it.  But I have to admit, it took the Lord a few years to soften my heart and lift my eyes to see this calling as an immeasurably valuable way to spend my life for Him.  As a young woman, 23, I had so many plans and goals for serving Him as a disciple-maker of young women as a and student of His Word and I never spent much time thinking about becoming a mom.  But thanks be to God for giving me the gift and the favor to be the mom He chose for Hannah Beth, Rebekah Su, and Caleb.  They have been the source of the deepest works in my heart--the good , bad and ugly.  
     Recently these two girls (pictured above), Tu Tu & Pah Wah,  came to stay with us for a long weekend.  They are from a Karen refugee school about 5 hours south of where we live in Thailand.  Their sponsors told us they had never been inside an American home and weren't used to using western toilets or showers.  The goal was to share the love of Christ to them by the simple act of opening our home and our hearts.  They were such a joy to our family for the 4 days they lived with us.  Since they are about the same age as Hannah Beth, she had the pleasure of showing them around our city!  They laughed together, ate together, shared stories--just like normal teenage girls do.  But these girls live no "normal" teenage life.  They are refugees from Burma and have been blessed to escape across the border into Thailand.  They live in a school set up for kids with similar stories to their own--kids who have lost their families and their freedom to the horrors of war in their country.  We had no idea how much our hearts would connect with them even with the language barrier between us.  
      Many of you may know that several years ago Hatley and I walked by faith into the adoption process while we lived in India.  That journey ended in a heart-wrenching loss.  I thought then that it would never heal and that I would never be able to trust the Lord again.  It left a deep scar in my heart...but not a scar without purpose.  In His usual loving way, God has gently walked me through these years since that day--holding me when I really hurt and lifting my eyes to see the treasures He has for me deep inside the wounds I still bear.   I am so thankful for the ways He is still speaking to me and alluring me to find my deepest Joy in Him alone.  
      Through these two girls my "mother" heart was gently pierced again.  Tu Tu and Pah Wah arrived really late on Thursday night.  Hannah Beth and Hatley picked them up from the bus at the school because I still can't seem to be a night-owl!!!  That morning I got up early to make them some breakfast that I hoped they would not find revolting and I was excited to get to meet them.  We enjoyed breakfast and I was surprised at how outgoing and comfortable they seemed.  What I wasn't prepared for was the question Pah Wah threw out at me as she got out of the car to go to school...."Can I call you my Mom?  I turned around to look at her,  thinking she was just being "cute"--only to see her looking back at me with a serious, hopeful-looking smile on her face.  I could hardly hold back my tears.  That question sent emotions all through my heart and mind.  I wasn't even sure what her family situation was--did she really not have a mom?  I wanted to pull her back inside my car, ask her a thousand questions and tell her of course she could stay and be my daughter!!! It was an emotional moment that opened the barely-covered wounds of not too long ago.  A time when I wanted more than anything to hold onto the dream of making Elijah part of our family--forever, and the dream of experiencing the miracle of our adoption as God's children in a real and tangible way in the life a real child. 
     I really took a step back and looked at my kids after that.  What a miracle to be a Mom!  For God to entrust HIS children to me....to have this crazy perfect plan to sanctify me as I fail in the high call of mothering and to raise up more worshippers of Himself through the parenting of young children!  And then I wept.  Why do some children walk through early years without a Mom?  But I quieted my heart by the grace of the Holy Spirit and I just listened instead of talked.  He is Sovereign and He knows.  He loves these girls, my Elijah, and the tens of thousands of others of orphans more deeply and perfectly than I am equipped to understand.  And I worshipped.  And years of hurt, confusion and struggle began to be a "sweet-smelling aroma" unto Him.  I was still and quiet before Him and I KNEW He was God.  
     I spent the next few days more aware of my blessings in Hannah Beth, Bekah and Caleb and in my new "daughters", Tu Tu and Pah Wah.  Later that weekend Pah Wah told me her real mother was dead and that I really could be her mom.  I went back to my Father and repeated the same steps I did the day before....reminding myself again of what I knew to be true.  It still blows my mind and wrecks my heart to think about it...but it also allures me to go and be near the One who knows each hair on their head and every tear they cry and every need they will ever have.  I really do trust Him...being a Mom has taught me that.